so, step by step, i manually erased him... coz that machine above don't exist hahah!
"is your life better now?"
yeah, i think so. i believe so. i'm certainly not in a black hole anymore. i'm a much more positive person at the moment and i hope i can truly savour this and keep this for as long as i can. funnily enough, all this work, all this writing and the staying at home is making me feel so much better and like on top of my game. and i just want to be happy, i truly do. law of attraction rite?
"no regrets?"
hmm.. i'm done. he wasn't worth it, and he made his choice. and i think as much as he rejected me, i also pushed him away. so i'm done. i'm surely letting go. but one thing i don't utterly understand that well till today is why did God put him in my path on & off for so many years? why? he was out, and i was doing kinda fine, but then he walked in again, and drove me to madness.
i know there are lessons for me to learn here. And i think one of them could be that the recent heartaches happened so that i can finally and truly get him out of my system. he was my Zahir for such a long, long time and somehow within that span of time, i guess i idealize him to be something he clearly wasnt and i was like in love with the idea of him, and i didnt truly see the reality of him. not that the reality meant he was a murderer or rapist la kn hahaha. but i just saw in him what i wanted to see and ignored how he truly was. he wasn't even a good friend to me, i wasn't important to him and i ignored that fact for the longest time coz i was holding on to his old words. the other day, i somehow went and checked out my Friendster account, and while i was clearing out the inbox i stumbled upon old messages and there was a few from FH, from wayyyyyyy back when he first found me again after 14 years of 'separation' haha. The message was dated sumtime in 2004 and in the 2nd message (the first message was a question whether i was the rite person or not la), in it he wrote "promise me u won't leave me again" (i've deleted everything so i dun really remember the right wording la haha) and i replied "ok, i promise". I dunno if from that point to this day today, he changed or what, but i felt as if he was a different person back then in 2004, he was gentler maybe? yes he used the same ammo, same tactic la kirenye, but there was sumthing more sincere in that Friendster message than the recent ones. if he did change, i wonder what happened to him in between. Anyway, what i did realize from reading that was, regardless of his part in all of this, i still broke a promise there, i left, and a promise is broken. I guess some promises are just not meant to be fulfilled. as is the saying "there's a reason why some ppl from your past, don't make it to your future".
Anyhoo, there was another hard lesson i identified and it was of coz the big K. Karma babeh! When i dumped my ex, i was so afraid that one day i'll get my 'just dessert', my karma, and becoz of that i think it was one of the big reason i stayed away from relationship. and for me to stay away i rejected lots and lots of guys, in some not very nice way actually - the abrupt silence, the permanently offlines or the 'who is this, do i know u' way. but then somehow the feelings for FH was just there all along and when i found out about the engagement, i was so hurt and devastated that i thot 'hey this is it, this is my karma' BUT was i wrong!!! ohhh, karma wasn't done with me yet at that point. nope, it decided to give me HOPE when FH waltz back into my life.. and just when i managed to convinced myself that maybe this is fate, maybe HE is my fate and i was filled to the brim with hope.. - right then & there, karma swooped in, slapped my face, twisted my heart and filled it with such a gut-wrenching pain that i've never felt before and pulled and pushed my soul to the deepest, darkest despair and utterly drove my mind to madness! With that i know how it felt to truly, truly be heartbroken - something my ex probably felt when i left. Karma was served to me in a really, really big platter. oo karma baby, u are such a bitch!! haha. yes ppl, for me i truly believe karma exist, so my advice - be careful how u treat ppl. i know now that i shld treat ppl, especially the guys that come in, nicer and respectfully. and i also know i shld give deserving ppl a chance and not be so hypercritical. and if i dun like a guy in 'that' way ke ape ke, i think i shld try to tell them honestly and tactfully and dun keep them hanging coz now i truly know how that feel and its such a sucky feeling!
"so did you wish that God never put him in your path?"
There were moments when i truly wished that God never made me meet him ever, never put us in each others way righttttt from the start, back when we were 9. I had a moment where i was angry at God for all of this but bit by bit, i accepted that this was just my path, my qada and qadar. FH is part of my lessons to learn in life and who am I to question God's will and plans rite? At the very least i got to know this charming boy back then in school and also i get to have an interesting plot and storyline for my life story rite? xde lah mundane and uneventful sgt my life kn? haha.
"what now? are you truly over him?"
well, i've put him in this small little box and has buried him deep, deep down in me haha! The feelings i had before and the feelings that i have now is just different. he doesnt preoccupy my mind or my heart or my dreams that much anymore. occasionally yeah, but its just not the same anymore. and i remember what Ms Libra said the other day that truly struck me, she said "all this love and feelings that we get and feel, comes from God, and with that He could also take it away" and thats true. So for me i think, God is slowly taking away the feelings i have for FH bit by bit, coz now i am letting it to be taken away whereas before i was fighting it. I'm more at peace with the whole ordeal now so i guess God has deem it fit for Him to take away the feelings so that i'll move on. So, i guess step by step i'll be over FH, i'm pretty sure of that :)
BUT of course all of this is not a guaranteed. i could meet FH tmrw and suddenly all the feelings would rush back. I dunno. It's all God's work and i'm just in it for the ride. Everything has been written for us sejak azali, so i can't say much actually. It's all up to the Almighty. We just have to learn to accept. And learn to let go!
